Breaking the Criticism Cycle: A Roadmap to Relationship Resilience
As therapists who are Level 2 Trained in Gottman Method Couples Therapy we have had hours of training in couples work — filled with research-backed information and tools helpful for working with couples. One significant takeaway has been learning the tools that couples can utilize to fight against what John and Julie Gottman call "the four horsemen of the apocalypse." These "four horsemen" are indicators of divorce or the end of a relationship and are often cues that something needs to change in your relationship. The horsemen are as follows: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. They can all be combated with what the Gottmans call antidotes, akin to the antidote to a poison. The antidote for criticism is what we want to explore today.
The Gottmans’ definition of criticism in relationships is "stating one’s complaints as a defect in one’s partner’s personality, giving the partner negative trait attributions." Think about it; how many times have you had a complaint about your relationship and began to criticize or blame your partner? This often ends in feelings of betrayal, hurt, and diminished self-esteem, leading to an endless cycle of dissatisfaction and emotional distance in your relationship. Criticism is the spark that sets fire to emotional distance and is often deeply rooted in our own hurt, pain, and unmet needs.
Research has shown that the antidote for criticism is a gentle start-up. A gentle start-up is what John and Julie Gottman define as a way to "talk about one’s feelings using I-statements, and then expressing a positive need." Positive needs are directly tied to a hope, wish, desire and offer a formula to help the other member of the relationship better understand the emotion.
The format for a gentle start-up statement is clearly described by the Gottman Institute as “First, talk about what you feel, then what the feeling is about, described in a neutral, objective and factual fashion without blame. Finally, you will express your needs.”
Here at Renew Counseling, we believe that there is a step that must come before making this statement. The first step towards a gentle start-up is “owning your own stuff.” We believe that criticism is hard to set aside if we cannot see and understand our own role in the conflict. We can “own our stuff” and acknowledge our role in conflict by investigating and expressing our unmet needs, triggers, and emotional wounds.
Seems simple, right? Well, for many, labeling our “stuff” is challenging because we lack the ability to practice self-awareness and self-management. To better do this, we recommend practicing these “I-Statements” in every aspect of your life, positive and negative. Try starting an “I Feel” Log, journaling your emotions and needs (met or unmet) in response to various situations throughout the day.
Sometimes, we may struggle to label our emotions. We can often more easily be aware of our behavior and find clues that can help us understand how we feel. To help you make this connection, we want to share with you a list provided by TherapistAid.com (2019) of emotions and related behaviors.
ANGER:
Related emotions: Annoyed, Enraged, Frustrated, Irate, Irritated, Mad
Signs and Behaviors: Aggression, Arguing, Blaming, Clenching Fists, Feeling Hot, Increased Heart Rate, Raising Voice / Yelling, Staring, Stern / Harsh Tone, Trembling, Using Insults
ANXIETY:
Related emotions: Dread, Fear, Jittery, Nervous, Scared, Stressed, Timid, Uneasy, Worried
Signs and Behaviors: Avoidance, Catastrophizing, Crying, Difficulty Concentrating, Digestive Issues, Headache, Irritability, Muscle Tension, Nail Biting, Pacing, Racing Heart, Racing Thoughts, Rumination, Shortness of Breath, Sweating, Tapping Foot, Trembling
HAPPINESS:
Related emotions: Cheerful, Content, Excited, Glad, Joyful, Pleased, Satisfied
Signs and Behaviors: Creative Thinking, Engaging in Self-Care, Feeling Sociable, Helpful, Increased Energy, Increased Motivation, Laughing, More Active, Optimistic, Playful, Smiling.
JEALOUSY:
Related emotions: Bitter, Contempt, Envious, Spiteful
Signs and Behaviors: Acting Possessive, Controlling, Distrust, Fear of Abandonment, Feelings of inadequacy, Frustration, Insecurity, Making Hurtful Comments, Making Threats, Negative Thinking.
LOVE:
Related emotions: Affection, Attachment, Closeness, Compassion, Desire, Endearment, Fondness, Tenderness
Signs and Behaviors: Caring for Another Person, Commitment, Desire for Connection, Drive to Protect, Empathy, Enjoying Time Together, Feeling Vulnerable, Gestures of Appreciation, Kindness, Physical Affection, Selflessness, Thinking Often of the Subject
SADNESS:
Related emotions: Depressed, Despair, Disappointment, Down, Emptiness, Grief, Guilt, Hopelessness, Lonely, Shame
Signs and Behaviors: Apathy, Changes in Eating, Crying, Difficulty Concentrating, Fatigue, Inactivity, Irritability, Loss of Interest in Activities, Negative Thoughts, Neglecting Self-Care, Poor Self-Esteem, Rumination, Sleep Problems, Sluggishness, Social Isolation
We encourage you to practice utilizing “gentle start-ups” in the midst of emotionally charged conversations and experiences. This tool will hopefully fight against the danger of criticism and help you and your partner engage in emotional closeness. Who knows, you might even find emotional closeness and understanding within yourself.
If your marriage or relationship is struggling, or if you just need a relational tune-up, call to schedule an appointment today. We would love to support you as you and your partner journey towards a strong and enduring relationship. Click here for more information and to request a consultation.
Jenna Dewell is a Marriage and Family Therapy Associate at Renew Counseling Services. Read more about her here.
