Are you reacting or responding? How to know, and why it matters

By: Jenna Dewell

A symptom of unprocessed trauma is reactivity, and it has a profound impact on our ability to maintain healthy relationships.

Reactivity is instinctual. It’s from the gut — based on emotion, beliefs, biases, and prior pain. Reacting is often a flight or fight response, done without thinking. Being reactive is a defense mechanism, seeking personal preservation at all costs. Some symptoms of reactivity are demonstrated as we say hurtful things, shut down, become violent, see an increase in blood pressure, and more.

We react because wounds to our mind, body, and soul — new and old — are unacknowledged and tender. We have not stepped on the other side of our trauma, recognizing that we are no longer under attack.

Think about this: you have a cut and accidentally get lemon juice on it, or you have a fresh burn and when water runs over it, you feel a sharp sting. The pain in these scenarios is sudden and causes you to pull away abruptly, attempting to avoid further pain. Stings of pain like these are unexpected reminders that something happened to us that we have not healed from. The pain of triggered trauma always holds a memory of times when you were not safe.

Apply this to your relationships. You are in conversation with a loved one and suddenly feel the sting of a previous trauma wound, losing control. You are jolted, you panic, you abruptly withdraw — you REACT in order to stay safe. Something was triggered inside of you that said, 'escape now.' Reactions, as you may notice, are ego-centric, meaning they are focused on YOU and your safety.

When living in our unprocessed trauma, we get wrapped up in ourselves. We miss others, especially those we care most about. Missing the reality of other people and their experience of the world sets us up to live in a constant state of defense. In intimate relationships, the attitude of defensiveness gets us trapped in loops of misunderstanding and conflict, loops that are very hard to exit or disrupt.

There is one thing that has the potential to interrupt this cycle, though — responsiveness.

Responsiveness is learned by pausing, realizing that the threat isn’t as big as it feels. It takes a breath first and is driven by an ability to process information and act/speak according to reality. Responsiveness is slow, safe, and aware of others. When we respond, we are able to balance fact and fiction, grasp the needs of self and other, and let down our defenses.

Building awareness of and being able to day by day process our trauma wounds are THE most important pieces of learning how to respond. Awareness of our trauma acknowledges the reality of the past, making space for emotions such as sadness, grief, and anger. Processing our trauma day by day allows us to explore the root of our pain while maintaining the ability to be present in the world without it being tainted by the looming threat of the trauma happening again. The ability to respond creates space for us to have healthy communication with others because we are no longer consumed with our own safety and can now enter into present reality, the reality of the experience of those around us.

The slow response of a person aware of their own trauma has the power to change dysfunctional cycles caused by rapid and destructive reactivity. As we become responsive vs reactive, cycles of defensiveness, anger, and unmet needs begin to morph into those of compassion, clarity, and curiosity.

Let us help you begin the process of healing from your trauma and restoring your relationships. Call our office today or request a consultation here.

Jenna Dewell is a Marriage and Family Therapy Associate at Renew Counseling Services. Read more about her here.